Once, I used to be competitive and determined; I took risks and won lots of awards. But it was relatively easy for me to be courageous when I had a clearly defined path ahead, and a finish line; because the most important part of survival in any field is not being the strongest or the smartest or the fastest: it is the mind; it is vision and resolve. Not that I didn't take a face plant now and then, but still.
Nowadays I feel like a dropout, or a has-been. I plague myself by reading stories of successful business people or explorers or artists or healers or what have you; the people who are making an impact are my contemporaries. Honestly, I admit that I never had any clear vision of myself among them; but still, it stings to get here and find that I'm really not -- not even close. Neither am I living in the woods like Chris Czajkowski, which was my heart's vision.
I think I ran out of road, so to speak; once I finished school, was married, and had a corporate career, I had no more external goals, I stopped running, and was overtaken by the internal journeys I had been putting off.
And it's true what they say about those internal journeys: they're full of endless forks, demons, despair, and occasionally some bright lights; and the knowledge that is won there can be devastating. Not sure which of these paths has actually resulted in some enlightenment, and which ones are simply mental health issues. The longer I spend here, the more arbitrary everything seems; the deeper my paralysis. I seem incapable of mustering any of my former 'vision and resolve' and that's the most painful part, that my mental state has become so pathetic and pessimistic and aimless; the archetypical anti-hero.
True to form, I'm angrily resisting it all the way... and at the same time knowing that "it's all in my head", and thus, whether I can accept it or not, within my power.
What is the word for this state of consciousness, with some degree of awareness and yet no clarity?
January Post Script.....
My mythologically-savvy sister Andrea Routley pointed out that despair, pessimism and aimlessness ARE, in fact, a part of the archetypical hero's journey. She called to my attention the story of Herakles as an example: Herakles (Hercules) completed his twelve tasks and settled down to a happy life, which was upset by his going into madness and killing his family, for which he was plagued by remorse for untold numbers of years. Eventually he was rescued by the Gods and delivered to the Elysian Fields anyway.
A few more details on that miraculous redemption would be nice; regardless, point taken, aimlessness is a time-honoured tradition among heros.